Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXChris Griffin Quotes
Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.
Neil: Hello.
Chris: Hi. Name, please.
Neil: Neil Goldman.
Chris: (checks his list) Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman.
Neil: Oh, I beg your pardon. I meant to say Chris Griffin.
Chris: (checks his list) Griffin, Griffin. Oh, here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. (hands his list and pen to Neil) Well, you'll need this.
Neil: Name, please.
Chris: Chris Griffin.
Neil: (checks his list) Griffin, Griffin, hmm. I'm sorry, sir, Chris Griffin has already checked in.
Chris: Well, that's impossible!
Peter: Hey Chris, come here.
Chris: What, why?
Peter: Just come here.
Chris: What is it dad?
Peter: Does it feel like the water suddenly just got warmer?
Chris: No.
Peter: Oh, that's right, it's pee that makes it warmer.
I can set you up with one of my friends. Oh wait, I don't have any friends. Well I can set you up with dad! Dad, will you be interested in dating Meg?
Meg: Wait a minute. Chris are you clapping?
Chris: Yeah.
Lois: So your hands are free.
Chris: Yeah.
Lois: Stewie didn't tie up your hands.
Chris: No he must've forgot.
Lois: You realize we've been sitting here for 14 hours.
Chris: Well get pissy if you want, Mom. I've enjoyed the time we've had as a family.
Chris: But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.
(cuts to living room. Joe is dressed like Lois with make-up and clothes)
Joe: So sweetie, you ready to go get some new notebooks and protractors and slacks?
Chris: I want blue jeans.
Joe: (yelling) You're getting SLACKS!
Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter: Oh no!
Bruce: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Chris: Oh No!
Kool-Aid Guy: (Crashes through courtroom wall) Oh yeaaaah!
(slowly backs out)
Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh no" in this courtroom? Cause the f***ing Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up. Thank you.
Carl: Uh Chris, you ever see the movie Cruel Intentions?
Chris: No.
Carl: Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out, it's pretty hot. Fourty-seven minutes, sixteen seconds in.
Chris: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's another great movie? Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connolly. I mean, that's one of those movies that... I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie.
Chris: She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've got to say, the direction was excellent, but I was very disappointed that she, um, wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris: Yeah, in the way that like, classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya know?
Carl: (pauses) No.
Chris: Alright, so ya see a hot girl, and you're like "okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty, because you've definitely worked at it. With the clothing and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." But secretly, I'm just like "hey man, where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?"
Carl: Wow, you're smart.
Chris: W...what?
(Power goes out, the whole family gasps)
Lois: Oh my god, the power's out.
Chris: What are we gonna do now?
Brian: Well, we could light some candles and read.
(rest of the family pauses before breaking out in laughter)
Chris: Yeah right.
Stewie: Yeah that'd be great.
Peter: Yeah, read the inside of my butt.
Lois (Leia): (to Luke) Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Chris (Luke): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Leia): Wait! Who are you?
Chris (Luke): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Leia): Wait! Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke): Yeah. Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?
Chris (Luke): R2, what are you doing out here?
Cleveland (R2-D2): Beep boop beep.
Quagmire (C-3PO): He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.
Cleveland (R2-D2): That's not what I said. I said there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet.
Chris: Didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't even think people are aware of that show's existence.
Chris: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter: Oh, really? Define 'decent'.
Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter: Well, yeah. But double ten people is like twenty people. So, uh, what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. To me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC... you know, one of the real networks.
Chris: Hahaha. I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? It's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh yay!
Chris: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
Chris: You know, Dad. You're a real jerk!
