Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXPopular Lois Griffin Quotes
Lois: Peter, stop that! We're not having sex, I just told you I have a lump!
Peter: I have a lump too and mine's easier to get rid of
Lois: Mom, you're Jewish?
Barbara: I'm sorry we never told you dear, when we were married, your father made me conceal the fact so we could get into country clubs
Meg: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois: I hope so Meg, I really do
Peter: It's not, Lois.... it's not
Director [to Lois]: You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years
Lois: But Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second. ARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise
Lois: Peter, I was up all night waiting for you, where were you?
Peter: Where was I? Where were YOU?
Lois: Out drinking. But I got back at two
Lois: I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake.
Meg: What's Whitesnake?
Lois: That's the music mommies and daddies listen to
Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor sharp talons to rip your [over timer bleeps her out] eyes out. Cookies are done! Who wants chocolate chip?
Stewie: Oh! Oh! I do. But keep talking. All this talk about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. Seriously, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper
Peter: I'm trying to make love to you and all you can think about is Chris.
Lois: What?
Peter: Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang!
Lois: What do you mean?
Peter: Well, he certainly didn't get it from me?
Lois: Peter, what are you talking about?
Peter: I'll show you.
[Peter and Lois go to Chris' room while he is sleeping and Peter pulls back the covers]
Lois: Wow. No wonder he's always slouching
Lois: Oh, Peter! Isn't she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy, they've been holding hands all night.
Lois: Peter! I mean Meg!
Peter: Oh, yeah, she's hot
Brian: What about the "writing angry letters and not sending them" exercise?
Peter: Aw geez, I wasn't supposed to send those?
Meg: Look, I got a letter from dad! Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat. Dad!
Stewie: Dear Stewie, get out. Oh, that's nice.
Lois: Mine just says Dear Lois, and after that it looks like someone just spit on the paper
Peter: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois: What?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great!
Lois: Excuse me?
Peter: Uh...Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world
