Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: Charlie, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?
Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No. My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me
Charlie: So what else did we learn tonight?
Alan: Well, let's see. I learned that, that to overcome my fear of rejection ingrained in me by an emotionally distant mother, I need to completely disable my central nervous system with semi-lethal quantities of alcohol
Isabella: People like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.
Alan: Hmmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have been historically victims and food
Charlie: I never told you about half the stuff Rose pulled around here.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Cause we needed a babysitter and I didn't want you to get spooked
Charlie: Well, we've established that you're a man-whore and now we're just trying to zero in on your price.
Alan: Charlie, you're not helping at all.
Charlie: Alan... did you really think I would?
Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Oh, come on, he's not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?
Alan [about Jake and Sandy]: Look at that. They're bonding already.
Charlie: Your kid would join the Taliban if they made their own s'mores
Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.
Judith [about Kandi]: Are you proud of yourself?
Alan: What do you mean?
Judith: Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Alan: Oh, that. Yeah, I am pretty proud of that
Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice: does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous 22-year- old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it, you just want them to know where yours has been
Alan: What's the problem?
Jake: She's nine
Alan: Nine? Where would you meet a nine year old girl?
Jake: We're in the same math class
Alan: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake: Sadly, no, but she does help me with my homework
