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Two-and-a-half-men

Berta: So, Zippy's getting a hooker?
Charlie: It would appear so.
Berta: Talk about earning your money.

Berta: What's wrong with you?
Charlie: I caught something.
Berta: There's a surprise.

Alan: I loved Charity Kirschenbaum and you stole her right out from under me!
Berta: He's speaking metaphorically, right?
Charlie: Yeah... he was never on top of that.

Charlie: (To Courtney) I guess I could come by and take a peek at it.
Berta: First a peek, then a poke.

Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?

Berta: Here we go, Blue Eyes. I made it myself.
Teddy: Thank you.
Evelyn: Nothing for me, thanks.
Berta: I don't recall offering.

Alan: (with the phone in his hand) It's Teddy's daughter, she wants to talk to you.
Charlie: Really?
Alan: But you promised Teddy you'd stay away from her.
Charlie: Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.

(Charlie Waffles music plays)
Berta: Pretty catchy, huh?
Alan: So's gonorrhea.
Berta: Drinking from the well of bitterness are we?

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