Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Jake: I got to see penguins and a manta ray. I got to pet a shark, and the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady's shirt. I think she had plants.
Charlie: Implants.
Jake: Yeah, implants. I asked grandma if she had them and grandpa said, "Aw, I wish." And then she got mad at him and then they bought me ice cream
Lyndsey: I'm way past guys like you.
Charlie: What do you mean guys like me?
Lyndsey: I mean guys I have to dip ammonium before I let them anywhere near me.
Alan: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away...
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well, it's all I got
Charlie: So what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I'm showing a house at the beach and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
Alan: You're writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes Transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants
Charlie: Jake, what's this? A phone message?
Jake: Yeah, some lady called for you.
Charlie: Who? I can't read your writing.
Jake [reading the paper]: You're a big selfish jerk.
Charlie: Ok, I know who this is. Amy—probably Amy.
Jake: Yup, Amy
Charlie: I just want you to know that in my way I want you to be happy, and I love you.
Evelyn: Well, I guess I'll go pack.
Charlie: Why?
Evelyn: Oh, I'm going home.
Charlie: In the middle of the night?
Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You can only screw it up from here
Jake: Dad said you almost drowned today?
Charlie: Yup!
Jake: Are you okay now?
Charlie: I'm fine.
Jake: Can I ask you a question?
Charlie: Sure.
Jake: It's about what happens when you die.
Charlie: Okay.
Jake: Who gets your car?
Alan: You don't surf do you?
Charlie: Not a bit.
Alan: So how did Gidget get the idea you were "The Big Kahuna?"
Charlie: I told her I "hanged ten" and I guess she misunderstood
Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!
Charlie [to Jake]: If you really want to make some extra cash, I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do.
Berta: Oh, yeah, there's big money in that
Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket
Alan [to Kandi on the phone]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
