South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Cartman: AH! IT'S THE SUCCUBUS!
Veronica: What?
Stan: A succubus: a demon from hell sent to suck the life out of Chef
Eye Doctor: How's my little piggy today?
Cartman: Hey! Don't call me a little piggy!
Eye Doctor: I just say that because you're my little buddy.
Cartman: I'm just here for an eye exam alright? Keep the fat jokes to yourself.
Eye Doctor: Hop up on the chair. Don't break it now.
Cartman: God Dammit!
Cartman: Hey dudes.
Stan: Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
Cartman: My asshole eye doctor made them all dialbated.
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Why? I'll tell you why, because he's a god damn asshole, and that's about it.
Receptionist: Hey, aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry McGuire?
Cartman: (uninterested) Uh, yeah, sure, sure.
Receptionist: Wow, you really got fat.
Cartman: Hey!
Eye Doctor: All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Cartman: Yes.
Eye Doctor: All right, read them out for me.
Cartman: (reading from the card) I AMA LITTLE PIG E. Hey! That does it! Mom!
Eye Doctor: No, no that was just a weird coincidence. I did not know how that happened. (reads the card) I AMA LITTLE PIG E. Oh, what are the odds of that.
Cartman: Hey dudes.
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny laugh)
Cartman: (Sarcastically) Heheheh, look at Cartman and his stupid glasses. Heheheh.
Kyle: Dude, just take them off.
Cartman: I can't, they're stapled to my head.
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny laugh again)
Cartman: I hate you guys.
(Stan and Kyle arrive at Cartman's cross, three weeks after crucifying him)
Kyle: Wow!
Stan: That's amazing!
Cartman: (Not in view) You guys, I am really pissed off now!
Kyle: You're still alive?!
Cartman: Get me down from hyah!
Stan: You survived all this time on all the fat stored up in your body?
(camera switches to show a shrivelled Cartman on the cross)
Cartman: That's right. And when I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!
Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm Jesus and you're not.
(After being rescued by Chef)
Chef: Eric, i have to tell you something and it's really gonna bum you out.
Cartman: What?
Chef: It'll really piss you off.
Cartman: What, tell me!
Chef: This is just a dream, you're still up on that cross.
(Cartman wakes up an realizes he's still on the cross)
Cartman: Oh, dammit!
As soon as I get my superpowers, I'm gonna smote you two assholes off the planet!
Kyle: Hey, that went really well. They really liked it.
Cartman: Yeah, told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys.
Kyle: Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't weight 400 pounds.
Cartman: Up your ass, with broken glass!
Look you guys can go over mnya but I am going over mnya you mnya, me mnya screw you guys, I'm going home!
