South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Guide: Don't worry. The snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.
(Snake hisses and wraps itself around the Guide)
Cartman: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. The snake's really afraid of us.
(Snake swallows the Guide whole)
Miss Stevens: Is he dead?
(Guide's skeleton exits the snake)
Kyle: I would say yes.
Cartman: (upon passing out from hunger) ...Need...food.
Construction worker: Get this child some food, quick!
Cartman: Chicken wings.
Cartman: So,are you going to see your girlfriend again?
Kenny: No, dude seriously.
(While driving through San Jose, Costa Rica)
Cartman: Oh my God, it smells like ass out here.
Miss Stevens: Alright, that does it. Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant.
Cartman: I wasn't saying anything about their culture; I was just saying their city smells like ass!
Cartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?
Choir Teacher: Excuse me?
Cartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
Kyle: Shut up, fat ass!
Stan: Choirs suck.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! (sighs deeply and tells the choir teacher) Go ahead.
Ms. Stevens: I'm leaving some pamphlets up here on the desk if anyone is interested.
Cartman: Oh good. We could use some more toilet paper.
Cartman: (whacks a monkey on the head with a stick) Bad monkey! Bad!
Miss Stevens: Eric! What the heck are you doing!
Cartman: I'm asserting myself! Like my Mr. Kitty! When he's bad, I say "That's a bad Mr. Kitty!" and I whack him on the head!
Tour Guide: And this is a three-toed sloth.
Cartman: (hits sloth with a stick) Bad three-toed sloth!
Miss Stevens: Eric, for God's Sake! Knock it off! (pulls Eric away)
Cartman: (throws stick at sloth's head, shouting) Respect mah authoro-tah!
Cartman: Hey, who's screwing with the lights?!
Narrator: Who IS screwing with the lights? Is it: Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
Cartman: (to Kenny) That is really starting to piss me off!
Mr. Garrison: Mephisto's been shot!
Chef: Is he dead??
Jimbo: Hey, look! This window has been shot open! That means the killer was not somebody in this room!
Mr. Garrison: Well, then who was it?
Announcer: Who shot Mephisto? Was it: The school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman: (interrupting) Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer: (continues) Or was it Mrs. Broflovski?
Cartman: (about Mephesto) So, how's he doing?
Kyle: He's bleeding pretty bad back there.
Chef: Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle: What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef: I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to Wait a minute! Why am I telling you this?
Cartman: (after learning who his father is) Oh... Man, this is ****ing weak...
Stan: Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!
Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry I never told you, Eric... I just thought, maybe it would be a little shocking to you.
Cartman: (sarcastically) Oh, well, gee whiz! You think so, Mom??
Mephesto: Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
Cartman: No no, wait a minute! Wait! If... If she's my dad, then...who's my mom?!
Announcer: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it: Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
Cartman: AAH, FORGET IT!!!
Dr. Doctor: We must split up into two teams: Team A and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny. Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct. Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B, remember that's you Kenny, should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors here. Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this window of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
Cartman: No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
Dr. Doctor: Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
Kenny: (muffled) Huh?
