Jake Harper Quotes (Page 11)
Season 5, Episode 10: "Kinda Like Necrophilia"
Alan: So, how's school?
Jake: Okay.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh. Okay, go ahead.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 8: "Is There a Mrs. Waffles?"
Charlie: What do you think?
Alan: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 7: "The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room"
Jake: Fruit? That's all you got, fruit?
Evelyn: Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?
Jake: Well, yeah, Frankenberries.
Evelyn: Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming I would have stocked up on crap.
• Rating: Unrated
Jake: I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.
• Rating: Unrated
Alan: Stop going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Stop being so cheap and we'll talk about it!
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 6: "Help Daddy Find His Toenail"
Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.
• Rating: Unrated
Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 5, Episode 5: "Putting Swim Fins on a Cat"
Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you're too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 5, Episode 4: "City of Great Racks"
Charlie: Okay, the reason why men say hot girl at, like, 12 o'clock or 3 o'clock, is to specify a location using the clock face as a kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you wear a digital watch. Second of all, it doesn't matter; the clock face is imaginary.
Jake: Then how do you know what time you saw the girl?
Charlie: Oh, my God!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Jake: (about Charlie) Why is he dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
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Total Quotes: 272
