Two and a Half Men

Jake Harper Quotes (Page 14)

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute. I thought I told you to get ready.
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done.
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
Jake: Sure!
[Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it]
Jake: Mm
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Alan: I need to talk to you in private.
Charlie: Oh, come on. I was in the middle of flossing and suddenly there she was, sitting on my bed..
Alan: Ah, ah. He doesn't need to hear this...
Jake: Like I didn't hear enough last night
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: What's going on?
Jake: I had to sleep in dad's room last night 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
Berta: Got it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: All the other men are going to be wearing black tuxedos.
Jake: If all the other men were jumping off a bridge would you want me to do that too?
Alan: If it would keep your mother off my back, yes!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?
Alan: Let it go, Goldilocks
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?
Alan: I wasn't counting.
Jake: I was! Four.
Alan: Ok, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake: Well, that's your problem, stop topping off the tank
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I'm her son.. she has to be proud of me.
Alan: You think so, huh? Have you met my mother?
Jake: Oh, yeah
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Jake: Yeah
 • Rating: Unrated

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