Jake Harper Quotes
Alan [on the phone]: Kandi, listen to me, our divorce doesn't have to be adversarial.
Jake [to Charlie]: Bet she doesn't know that word
Jake: Hey, dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?
Alan: Because your mother gives you an allowance. [to Kandi] Look, I'm just trying to be fair here.
Jake: Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't.
Alan: Hang on, Kandi. [To Jake]: Let me explain something to you, every cent your mother has, comes from me. So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance.
Jake: I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money
Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!
Jake: Dad said you almost drowned today?
Jake: Are you okay now?
Charlie: I'm fine.
Jake: Can I ask you a question?
Jake: It's about what happens when you die.
Jake: Who gets your car?
Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway
Hey, if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? ... IHOP
Jake: Hey, Berta, do you wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you want to see mine
Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.
Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex
Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Charlie: Alan, smack your kid for me
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me
Charlie: So basically, I asked her to marry me, and she said "yes."
Alan: What do you think about that, Jake?
Charlie: That's it? Good?
Jake: It's not good?
Charlie: No, it's good.
Jake: That's what I said. Alright, I'm full
Alan: Wears his little heart on his sleeve, doesn't h?.
Charlie: It's my own fault. I should have known better than to talk to him at feeding time