Alan: What are you praying for?
Jake: I have a math test on Monday.
Alan: Oh, so you're praying for a good grade?
Jake: No, that never works. I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.
Alan: Have you considered just studying for the test?
Jake: How would that help?
Alan: Okay, listen to me, even if we were to assume a god who would be willing to give your teacher a cold—
Jake: Anthrax.
Alan: Okay, no more praying for you.
Jake: Who are you, the Supreme Court?

Jake [about ballet class]: You didn't tell me I'd be the only boy here.
Charlie: The odds are on your side.
Jake: What odds? I'm eleven!

Alan: What are you doing? You just ate dinner an hour ago.
Charlie: Then he won't need breakfast.
Jake: Yes, I will

Jake: Why was it stupid?
Alan: Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love.
Charlie: No, no, because I had sex with someone who knows how to disable the alarm system

Charlie: Rose was in my bedroom because she was tired.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot

Jake: She was showing me her tattoos.
Alan: Lucky you. There was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that. Now it's right at your breakfast table

Jake: Uncle Charlie, I have to tell you about what happened at school today.
Charlie: You made the honor roll?
Jake: What's that?
Charlie: Forget it

Jake: What's her name again?
Charlie: Salma Hayek
Jake: Her name is as pretty as her boobs

Charlie: Wanna play videogames?
Jake: Sure.
Alan: Are you forgetting you're being punished?
Jake: No, but why does Uncle Charlie have to suffer?

Jake: Are we going to dinner tonight?
Alan: Do I look like I'm in shape to go to dinner?
Jake: I don't know, I'm not a doctor

Charlie: We're not going. This conversation is over.
Jake: Not if I'm still talking

Charlie: Look, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Jake: I'm sorry you slipped in dog crap when you were chasing me

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.