Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Just pick out a present that reflects your grandmother.
Jake: Like what?
Charlie: How about a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon?

Jake: Yo, check out the bling!
Charlie: Jake, I'm not going to tell you again. You're a pasty, white kid. Start acting like one

Berta [on Charlie]: I wish you could have seen him in his prime. He was like Babe Ruth.
Jake: He played baseball?
Berta: No, he was a drunken whore-monger

Jake: Hey, Berta, wanna hear something cool? The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.
Berta: Well, just like the Sizzler

Jake: He wants me to stay here tonight so he and mom can have sex.
Alan: Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason. Right, Herb?
Herb: No, that's pretty much it.

Jake: I'm still awake!
Judith: Happy?
Herb: I may never be happy again

Jake: Can I get my ear pierced?
Alan: No.
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: You can't keep the holes you have clean

Charlie: This is kind of exciting. [unwraps gift] Fart in a Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you, but this is good for travel

Jake: Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
Charlie: That's a life lesson, Jake

Displaying quotes 136 - 144 of 275 in total