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Principal Skinner: Your punishment is 400 days detention.
Bart: I could easily do that on my head.
Principal Skinner: 500 days!
Bart: Oh, ho ho.
Principal Skinner: 600 days!
Bart: Maybe I should keep my big mouth shut.
- Permalink: Your punishment is 400 days detention. I could easily do that ...
Bart: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
Principal Skinner: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy!
- Permalink: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And t...
Teacher: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!
Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.
- Permalink: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!...
Principal Skinner: Some sick individual has stolen every "Teacher's Edition!"
Teacher: What do we do?
Mrs. Krabappel: Declare a snow day!
Teacher #2: Does anyone know the multiplication table?
- Permalink: Some sick individual has stolen every Teacher's Edition! What ...
(trying to get attention of school) People.... people. You know I can wait just as long as you. (fails) KNOCK IT OFF!
- Permalink: People.... people. You know I can wait just as long as you. KNO...
Principle Skinner: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a game of it.
Bart: What kind of game?
Principle Skinner: Well, for example, you could see how many you could lick in an hour, then try to break that record.
Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me.
Principle Skinner: Yes, well... Get started.
- Permalink: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a g...
Bart: More stink lines boys...
Skinner: What's this? What are you boys doing?
Bart: (yawn) You didn't see nothing, now beat it!
- Permalink: More stink lines boys... What's this? What are you boys doing?...
Lady: Some large men to see you, sir.
Skinner: Uh, I don't have an appointment with any large men...
Fat Tony: Are you Skinner?
Skinner: I'm Principal Skinner, yes! And how may I ask did you get past the hall monitors?
- Permalink: Some large men to see you, sir. Uh, I don't have an appointmen...
Ralph: What's Lyme Disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood. Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The Brain? Oh dear god!
- Permalink: What's Lyme Disease? I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spre...
(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)
Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer (Lowers his voice) Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Homer: Don't look at me! (Laughs)
Moe: Oh no... you rotten little punk, if I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
(Principal Skinner takes the phone from Bart.)
Principal Skinner: You'll do what, young man?
Moe: What--what? Wait. Who--who is this?
Principal Skinner: I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?!
Moe: Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's--it's a bad connection, I think. (Hands phone to Homer.) Gah, it's for you. I think Bart is in trouble again.
- Permalink: <i>(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)</i>...
Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught.
Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts. Sir.
Skinner: (Yelling) There are no other Barts!
- Permalink: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing you...
Homer: Hmm. But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?
Principal Skinner: Well, only to my job.
Homer: But if you weren't married to your job, you'd tend to go for a girl, right?
Principal Skinner: (chuckles) Well, of course.
- Permalink: Hmm. But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you ...