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The-simpsons

(At the breakfast table, Bart notices that Lisa isn't dressed for school.)
Bart: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine. Then--Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school.
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

You son of a bitch! Good show!

Emily Winthrop

(Santa's Little Helper chews on a Krusty pull string doll.)
Krusty Doll: You're my best friend! (Chuckles) You're my best friend! (Chuckles) You're my best friend! (Chuckles)
(From Santa's Little Helper's point of view something different is heard.)
Krusty Doll: Blah, blah, blah, blah! (Distorted chuckling) Blah, blah, blah, blah! (Distorted chuckling) Blah, blah, blah, blah! (Distorted chuckling)

(Lisa is sick and Bart delivers her homework after school.)
Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
(Bart hands Lisa her homework.)
Lisa: Ooh! (Shuffling through the papers.) Phonics, functions, vocabulary--Remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
Bart: D'oh!

Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog! I tied my dog outside myself! I am looking at him right--(Looks into the backyard and sees the dog missing.) D'oh!

Homer

(Bart tries to teach Santa's Little Helper at dog obedience school.)
Bart: See, boy? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over! Like this. (Bart rolls over.)
Emily Winthrop: Congratulations sonny. You've earned a toffee. (Tosses Bart a toffee.)
Bart: Oh, thank you! (Under his breath.) Moldy old maid.

(Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.)
Marge and Lisa: (Scream in unison)
Marge: My quilt! Six generations, ruined! (Sobs)
Homer: (Consoles Marge) Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
(Homer sees the remains of his cookie.)
Homer: (Screams) My cookie! (Sobs hysterically) Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!

Now, sit! I said, sit! (Santa's Little Helper walks away.) Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. (To Emily) See? He does exactly what I tell him.

Bart

(At dog obedience school.)
Emily Winthrop: There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson?
(Bart is down on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor.)
Bart: Like a hose. (Under his breath.) Your Wrinkled Highness.

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