Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes
Berta: Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Alan: Berta, his mother and I are going thorough a divorce and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of sting cheese he hasn't processed
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Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Charlie: What did you say?
Berta: I said, uh, "drink this bottle of prune juice"
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I'm telling you, you're spoiling the kid. I didn't have a shrink when I was Jake's age and my childhood was twice as screwed up as his. I mean, you're a little cuckoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricaneCharlie
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Berta [trying to convince Alan Jake is constipated]: I'm telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Dohâ€”stopped her up for two weeks!
Alan: All right, Berta.
Berta: She finally pooped out a whole ashtray.
Berta: That was the day I quit smoking
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Jake [referring to his mom and Aunt]: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.
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Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way
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Alan: Charlie, please don't make a bad situation worse. Judith and Liz have been at each other's throats for years.
Charlie: Why's that?
Alan: I don't know. Maybe it is because Liz was always more popular, maybe because Judith was smarter, maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception.
Charlie: Well, it is no secret why she was popular.
Alan: At our wedding reception, Charlie. In the coatroom. You where louder then the band!
Charlie: You make it sound so sleazy.
Alan: I'm sorry. Class it up for me.
Charlie: Okay, to begin with, we were on a mink coat...
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Judith: It's an eleven-year-old's birthday party. You could've at least put on a bra.
Liz: Some of us don't need bras.
Judith: Some of us have had husbands and children.
Liz: Oh, I've had husbands
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Alan: Judith's sister is hitting on me.
Charlie: She's not hitting on you, she's hitting on her sister's ex-husband.
Alan: But that's me!
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