Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 1 Episode 13: "Sara Like Puny Alan"

Charlie: Hey, how can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Jake: How?
Charlie: There's footprints in the cheesecake.
Jake: But we don't have a cheesecake.
Charlie: That's the part you don't buy?
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Charlie: Hey, hey. Maple Loops is part of a nutritious balanced breakfast.
Alan: Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli
 • Rating: 4.4 / 5.0

Rose: Do you feel the healing energy?
Alan: If I say yes, will you get off me?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 12: "Camel Filters + Pheromones"

Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means if she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family
 • Rating: Unrated

Prudence: You know, I always wanted to play the piano. Do you think you can teach me something?
Charlie: No. Nothing. Not a damn thing
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Prudence [about sunblock]: Can you put some of this on my back?
Alan: No!
Prudence: If you don't, I'll burn.
Alan: If I do, I will
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Whew.. whew... look, Prudence, this just can't happen. I mean you're very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [about Prudence]: Boy, she smells good.
Berta: Yeah, if you like Camel Filters and pheromones
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Thanks for helping me with my book report, Prudence.
Prudence: Oh, no problem. Fourth grade stuff is easy for me.
Berta: Should be, you did it twice
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I'm still sleeping here, could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 11: "Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor"

Alan [about Judith]: What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick rather than lumberjack
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: Get your jacket, it's time to go.
Jake: I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping
Alan: Well, you can't stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: Fine. I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey! Don't talk to your stupid father like that
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 10: "Merry Thanksgiving"

Alan: Okay, um, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with all the people I love and all the people who love me... and Judith
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Charlie, you'll never change. Look at you. A grown man who can't even commit to long pants.
Charlie: I can commit to long pants. I was just focused on the shirt today. And for your information, I've been going through changes like you wouldn't believe since the last time we were together.
Lisa: Like what?
Charlie: Well... I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie! What poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no. It's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like "Mr. Family Guy".
Lisa: You're right... Family Guy. How is it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell has my mom got to do with family?!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Look, I appreciate your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean, it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation where to scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
Evelyn: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I faux pas?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know: me, you, Jake, Mom, turkey. Just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan
 • Rating: Unrated

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