Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 1 Episode 10: "Merry Thanksgiving"

Charlie: This is serious, Alan. I could lose her.
Alan: Wow. And you care?
Charlie: I love her, Alan. She's the only one I thought I might eventually wind up with.
Alan: "Eventually wind up with." I'm touched. So, what, do you want to keep her warming up in your bullpen until the bottom of the ninth, when you lose your... arm?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Live with me.
Lisa: Charlie—
Charlie: No, I'm serious. Move back in.
Lisa: Really? And then what?
Charlie: And then we'll see.
Lisa: Wow, a commitment to "see." And what finger does that ring go on, Charlie?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 9: "Phase One, Complete"

Alan: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother
 • Rating: Unrated

Rose:...We're both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone's feet warm, but we don't match up with any other socks. So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten or a hand puppet
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Charlie: What will it take, huh? Cash? Video games?
Jake: I don't want stuff. I got enough stuff when my mom and dad broke up.
Charlie: This isn't the same thing, Jake.
Jake: It doesn't matter. You liked Wendy, and now you don't like her, and nobody cares what I want.
Charlie: Jake, come here, buddy. Sit down. Look, it's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid, and what you want doesn't matter
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 8: "Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful"

Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
Miss Tuttle: That's very true.
Charlie: Well, I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Ms. Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: How come you're not helping mom and dad with the show?
Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your Unclie Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad...
Jake: Suck?
Charlie: Good a word as any
 • Rating: Unrated

Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 7: "If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake"

Charlie: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Charlie, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.
Rose: We are. We're friends who slept together once, and then one friend never called the other friend, but luckily the other friend forgave him.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwhich.
Charlie: Rose, Rose, I don't want a grilled cheese sandwhich.
Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?
Charlie: That sounds nice
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Hey, where've you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I got to see penguins and a manta ray. I got to pet a shark, and the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady's shirt. I think she had plants.
Charlie: Implants.
Jake: Yeah, implants. I asked grandma if she had them and grandpa said, "Aw, I wish." And then she got mad at him and then they bought me ice cream
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 6: "Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?"

Charlie: So what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I'm showing a house at the beach and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
Alan: You're writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes Transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Jake, what's this? A phone message?
Jake: Yeah, some lady called for you.
Charlie: Who? I can't read your writing.
Jake [reading the paper]: You're a big selfish jerk.
Charlie: Ok, I know who this is. Amy—probably Amy.
Jake: Yup, Amy
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I just want you to know that in my way I want you to be happy, and I love you.
Evelyn: Well, I guess I'll go pack.
Charlie: Why?
Evelyn: Oh, I'm going home.
Charlie: In the middle of the night?
Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You can only screw it up from here
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: We are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy's going to remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her.
 • Rating: Unrated

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