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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: If Mom's ever in a coma you're the one who has to decide whether to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull

Charlie: I'm gonna grab my keys, and we'll head to the hospital.
Jake: I don't want to go to a hospital!
Charlie: Did I say hospital? I meant Disneyland

Charlie [filling out a form for Jake]: First name. Jake. Ob?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Charlie: Jacob. I knew that. What's your middle name?
Jake: You don't know?
Charlie: Of course I know. I'm just checking to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude!
Jake: David.
Charlie: David. Jacob David. Your parents sure went Old Testament on you, didn't they?

Charlie: No, you don't understand. He fell on his head. He's bleeding.
Nurse: Okay. Follow my finger. [moves her finger in front of his face] He's gonna be fine.
Charlie: That's it? He's fine? That's not a medical test. That's how you hypnotize a chicken!

Charlie [holding Jake's hand as he gets stitches]: It's okay, buddy, I'm right here with you. Go ahead, Doc.
Jake: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Charlie: Hey, go easy on the kid!
Jake: No, you're squishing my hand!
Charlie: Oh. Sorry. Did you feel the shot?
Jake: No.
Charlie: You're welcome.
Doctor: Perhaps you'd prefer to wait outside.
Charlie: I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me!

Alan: It was like our souls were merging.
Charlie: That was saliva, Alan

Alan: So...Frankie, why didn't you tell us you had a daughter?
Frankie: Ok guys, here's the deal. I didn't want you to know

Dad's having a colonoscopy and if I'm not there I'm going to have to watch the video

Judith

Jake [about Joanie]: That girl's really annoying.
Alan: I think maybe she has a crush on you.
Jake: Well, yeah! That's what's annoying.
Alan: You don't really like girls yet huh?
Jake: No, I like girls, I'm just not into eight-year-olds

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