Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes
...We're both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone's feet warm, but we don't match up with any other socks. So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten or a hand puppet
Rose
Charlie: What will it take, huh? Cash? Video games?
Jake: I don't want stuff. I got enough stuff when my mom and dad broke up.
Charlie: This isn't the same thing, Jake.
Jake: It doesn't matter. You liked Wendy, and now you don't like her, and nobody cares what I want.
Charlie: Jake, come here, buddy. Sit down. Look, it's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid, and what you want doesn't matter
Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?
Charlie: I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
Miss Tuttle: That's very true.
Charlie: Well, I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?
Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Ms. Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
Jake: How come you're not helping mom and dad with the show?
Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your Unclie Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad...
Jake: Suck?
Charlie: Good a word as any
Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!
Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening
Charlie
Alan: Charlie, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?
Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.
Rose: We are. We're friends who slept together once, and then one friend never called the other friend, but luckily the other friend forgave him.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwhich.
Charlie: Rose, Rose, I don't want a grilled cheese sandwhich.
Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?
Charlie: That sounds nice
Alan: Hey, where've you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker
Jake: I got to see penguins and a manta ray. I got to pet a shark, and the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady's shirt. I think she had plants.
Charlie: Implants.
Jake: Yeah, implants. I asked grandma if she had them and grandpa said, "Aw, I wish." And then she got mad at him and then they bought me ice cream