Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes
Alan: Get your jacket, it's time to go.
Jake: I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping
Alan: Well, you can't stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: Fine. I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey! Don't talk to your stupid father like that
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole
Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short
Okay, um, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with all the people I love and all the people who love me... and JudithAlan
Lisa: Charlie, you'll never change. Look at you. A grown man who can't even commit to long pants.
Charlie: I can commit to long pants. I was just focused on the shirt today. And for your information, I've been going through changes like you wouldn't believe since the last time we were together.
Lisa: Like what?
Charlie: Well... I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie! What poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no. It's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like "Mr. Family Guy".
Lisa: You're right... Family Guy. How is it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell has my mom got to do with family?!
Alan: Look, I appreciate your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean, it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation where to scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
Evelyn: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I faux pas?
Charlie: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know: me, you, Jake, Mom, turkey. Just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?
Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan
Charlie: This is serious, Alan. I could lose her.
Alan: Wow. And you care?
Charlie: I love her, Alan. She's the only one I thought I might eventually wind up with.
Alan: "Eventually wind up with." I'm touched. So, what, do you want to keep her warming up in your bullpen until the bottom of the ninth, when you lose your... arm?
Charlie: Live with me.
Charlie: No, I'm serious. Move back in.
Lisa: Really? And then what?
Charlie: And then we'll see.
Lisa: Wow, a commitment to "see." And what finger does that ring go on, Charlie?
Alan: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now
Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother