Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes
Alan: Get your jacket, it's time to go.
Jake: I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping
Alan: Well, you can't stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: Fine. I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey! Don't talk to your stupid father like that
- Permalink: Get your jacket, it's time to go. I don't want to go. I hate c...
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole
- Permalink: How's it going in there? Whatever happened to zippers? I miss ...
Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short
- Permalink: Rose, what are you doing here? Babysitting. Where's my mothe...
Okay, um, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with all the people I love and all the people who love me... and JudithAlan
- Permalink: Okay, um, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with a...
Lisa: Charlie, you'll never change. Look at you. A grown man who can't even commit to long pants.
Charlie: I can commit to long pants. I was just focused on the shirt today. And for your information, I've been going through changes like you wouldn't believe since the last time we were together.
Lisa: Like what?
Charlie: Well... I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie! What poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no. It's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like "Mr. Family Guy".
Lisa: You're right... Family Guy. How is it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell has my mom got to do with family?!
- Permalink: Charlie, you'll never change. Look at you. A grown man who can't...
Alan: Look, I appreciate your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean, it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation where to scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
Evelyn: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I faux pas?
- Permalink: Look, I appreciate your feelings for me, but I have to tell you,...
Charlie: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know: me, you, Jake, Mom, turkey. Just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?
- Permalink: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family din...
Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan
- Permalink: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man. But you're not. T...
Charlie: This is serious, Alan. I could lose her.
Alan: Wow. And you care?
Charlie: I love her, Alan. She's the only one I thought I might eventually wind up with.
Alan: "Eventually wind up with." I'm touched. So, what, do you want to keep her warming up in your bullpen until the bottom of the ninth, when you lose your... arm?
- Permalink: This is serious, Alan. I could lose her. Wow. And you care? ...
Charlie: Live with me.
Charlie: No, I'm serious. Move back in.
Lisa: Really? And then what?
Charlie: And then we'll see.
Lisa: Wow, a commitment to "see." And what finger does that ring go on, Charlie?
- Permalink: Live with me. Charlieâ€” No, I'm serious. Move back in. Re...
Alan: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now
- Permalink: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he...
Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother
- Permalink: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing ...
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch
- Permalink: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink? Nobody likes...
Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog
- Permalink: You guys are really great together. Thanks. Your wife must b...