Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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The day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying, and I am not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap

Charlie

Berta [on Charlie]: I wish you could have seen him in his prime. He was like Babe Ruth.
Jake: He played baseball?
Berta: No, he was a drunken whore-monger

Alan: Let's face it, we're both too old for the MTV-lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?!

Let me tell you something, Alan, you're only as young as the women you feel... and lately, I've been feeling about 24.

Charlie

Jake: Hey, Berta, wanna hear something cool? The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.
Berta: Well, just like the Sizzler

Charlie: When did you get married?
Leanne: Shortly after the last time I woke up in your bed with cab fare taped to my forehead

Beverly: I guess you've noticed I'm a little taller than 5'9".
Alan: Oh, yeah, but, uh, everybody fudges a little on those dating profiles. How tall are you?
Beverly: 5'13"

Alan: I guess that the bar is not set very high.
Beverly: You have not done much online dating before; you cleared it with a penis and a job

Rose: Hey, Charlie, got a minute? I'd like to talk to you privately.
Charlie: Now is not a good time, Rose.
Rose: Will you call me later?
Charlie: Sure.
Rose: Promise?
Charlie: Yeah.
Rose: Cross your heart and hope to die?
Charlie: Yes!
Rose: Stick a needle in your eye.
Charlie: Okay...
Rose: Boil in oil until you fry?
Charlie: Dear God, Rose, I will call you.
Rose: Tootles..
(Rose leaves)
Alan: You're not gonna call her, are you?
Charlie: Nah, I think I'm gonna go with the needle in the eye

I'm not gay. I'm literate and urbane, and that confuses people

Alan

Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked

Rose

Charlie: I am sorry about the hermaphroditic incident.
Alan: "I'm sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl who had a vestigial penis.
Charlie: I didn't know! I was as surprised as you were!
Alan: Charlie, no one was as surprised as I was

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 224 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other