Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 8)

Season 4 Episode 10: "Kissing Abraham Lincoln"

Lydia: I hope you're proud of yourself.
Charlie: Well, I didn't wake up in my own vomit, so, yeah, kind of
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom?
Charlie: What for?
Lydia: 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.
Charlie: Why would I get a nasty... ohhh, you mean sex?
Lydia: Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: I'm talking to Charlie. You don't mind do you?
Charlie: Mind, well I, uh...
Berta: You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Lydia: Well, that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Morning.
Lydia: That was a great shower.
Charlie: Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you do going in.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You wash them, you dry them. How hard could it be?
Alan: So what's the problem?
Charlie: Which one's the washer?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah! I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I'm a sex addict
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: I don't like it here.
Charlie: Well, tough, this was the only way I could get Berta to come back.
Alan: But why do I have to be here?
Charlie: Because you're looking for a place to sell your condo!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You're right! I am addicted! I have a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off! I mean, you gotta help me.
Berta: I can't help you, pal, you gotta help yourself.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 9: "Corey's Been Dead For an Hour"

Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Who will 'Old Alan' be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing because I was sitting on the can, listening to you not take a crap!
 • Rating: Unrated

Vicki: I am so full. I don't think I could put another thing in my mouth.
Charlie: Hope that's just a figure of speech
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Are you crazy?
Rose: There's several schools of thought on that
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Plato and Aristotle said that no matter how many times you shaked it, the last drop always falls in the pants
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 8: "Release the Dogs"

Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Freeman: You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.
Alan: You're going to charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Can I go back to mom's tomorrow?
Alan: Why?
Jake: I want to hang out with my friends.
Alan: What, all of a sudden your father's not good enough for you?
Jake: It's not "all of a sudden."
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: He's growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money... not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags!
Jake: I do like fries
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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