Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 7)

Season 4 Episode 11: "Walnuts and Demerol"

Berta: Hey. I'm mixing up the eggnog, you want this broad lit up, or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goodwill towards all mankind, so lets get her ploughed.
Berta: Hallelujah!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Ahh, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dorothy: Alan?
Alan: Uh, yes.
Dorothy: I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.
Alan: No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I...I...I don't remember you.
Dorothy: Oh, well I'm not surprised. At the time you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.
Alan: Ah, well. I did it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: This is kind of exciting. [unwraps gift] Fart in a Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you, but this is good for travel
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [carrying more eggnog]: Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
Charlie: You said you were going home.
Berta: Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
Charlie: This isn't a party. It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze. Oh, crap, it is a party
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
Charlie: That's a life lesson, Jake
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You're leaving too, right?
Alan: Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas eve at a movie theater all by myself just so you can have sex tonight.
Charlie: You could have sex too, just pick the right movie theater.
 • Rating: Unrated

Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. (turns to Alan) We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh, really, your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [to Judith]: Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower? On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Kandi, What are you doing here?
Kandi: I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve and I didn't know where else to go.
Alan: Where's your new boyfriend?
Kandi: He decided to spend Christmas with his family.
Alan: Why didn't he bring you along?
Kandi: He thought it would make his wife uncomfortable
 • Rating: Unrated

Herb: I'm a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I'm a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you're into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn't that illegal?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: I forbid you to see this woman anymore.
Charlie: You forbid? What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39-year-old.
Evelyn: I'm your mother, you are 40, and you must not see this woman anymore!
Charlie: Mom, you know that just makes me want her more.
Evelyn: Charlie I mean it!
Charlie: I'm getting hotter.
Evelyn: Look I know certain things about Gloria's past which are, well, unsavory.
Charlie: Okay, I'm going supernova.
Evelyn: Will you listen to me! If you continue to see this woman it will hurt me deeply.
Charlie: I may have to marry this girl
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 10: "Kissing Abraham Lincoln"

Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I either drank too much, or got hit by a train
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kandi: Want to have sex?
Alan: What?
Kandi: I'm horny, you're stressed, seems like we both benefit
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: We had fun last night in bed, eh?
Lydia: Oh, terrific! What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: That explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Okay, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Berta's the one who keeps this house running, and more important, she's kind of like family.
Lydia: She's rude, offensive, and vulgar.
Charlie: Okay, exactly like family
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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