Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 5 Episode 17: "Fish in a Drawer"

Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we?" [walks away]
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 16: "Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty"

[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 15: "Rough Night in Hump Junction"

Charlie: As you can see, I've had a couple of mishaps.
Dr. Freeman: Well, except for the facial lacerations and the rectal donut... hardly noticable.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question. Who would you rather be, you or me?
Alan: You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes, and you're perched on a scrotum cozy... You.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Berta, have you noticed anything different about Charlie lately?
Berta: What do you mean?
Alan: Well, he's always been promiscuous, but I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mia: Charlie, what are you doing here?
Charlie: I came to get you back.
Mia: Are you out of your mind?
Charlie: Well... I got the idea from my shrink.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I learned why I screw around so much.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: Yup... I think I've spent my whole life trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...
Alan: ...filling the empty space in others?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 14: "Winky-Dink Time"

Charlie: Just remember I'm doing you a favor. Don't forget it in a few years when I ask you to change my diaper.
Jake: Okay. Wait, what?
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Want some cake?
Milly: I don't eat sugar.
Jake: Oh, yeah, me neither, unless it's in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: You and me are having dinner with them on Friday so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me?
Jake: Just don't clock block me, okay?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: It's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute, and all of the sudden you show up at the front door?
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (talking about Milly's mom) She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no freaking idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is, the grandmother of my children.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: (talking about "getting his ducks in a row" before the date) What was that thing about ducks?
Charlie: It's just an expression.
Jake: Well, it's confusing.
Charlie: Sorry.
Jake: You can't get them in a row...
Charlie: I know. I know. Now, just listen to me.
Jake: ...they're ducks. They move willy-nilly.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: So, did you make the call?
Charlie: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots, and a full-length fur coat.
Alan: If anyone can pull it off, it's you.
 • Rating: Unrated

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