Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
Jake: I lost my book.
Allan: And how were you going to write the report?
Jake: I was hoping for an earthquake.
Allan: What was your next plan?
Jake: I pretty much put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.
- Permalink: I lost my book. And how were you going to write the report? ...
Alan: (referring to Jake's lost book) We should put frosting on the damn book. He's never lost anything with frosting on it.
Charlie: I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall. The kid is obviously destined to sell tube socks out of the trunk of his car.
Alan: A business of his own... gee, that would be swell
- Permalink: (referring to Jake's lost book) We should put frosting on the da...
Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
- Permalink: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before ...
Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Alan: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.
- Permalink: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom? Well, the brid...
Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
- Permalink: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at a...
[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
- Permalink: My God! It's like a Jackson Pollock painting. The ceiling fa...
Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
- Permalink: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage? Berta, that...
[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
- Permalink: You son of a bitch. So you weren't the one who was... Of cou...
Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we?" [walks away]
- Permalink: We've got a real problem here. What do you mean we?
Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?
- Permalink: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake. But I'm stil...
[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.
- Permalink: You were with her , weren't you? What are you, my wife? No, ...
[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
- Permalink: What are you doing? I'm here, I figure, what the hell? Just ...
Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
- Permalink: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear? with a son...
Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Charlie: It's just a rash.
- Permalink: You sure it's just a rash? What else could it be? Uh, well, ...