Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.
- Permalink: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voya...
Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
- Permalink: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is t...
Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
- Permalink: Dad, this is the wrong book. What are you talking about? It'...
Jake: I lost my book.
Allan: And how were you going to write the report?
Jake: I was hoping for an earthquake.
Allan: What was your next plan?
Jake: I pretty much put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.
- Permalink: I lost my book. And how were you going to write the report? ...
Alan: (referring to Jake's lost book) We should put frosting on the damn book. He's never lost anything with frosting on it.
Charlie: I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall. The kid is obviously destined to sell tube socks out of the trunk of his car.
Alan: A business of his own... gee, that would be swell
- Permalink: (referring to Jake's lost book) We should put frosting on the da...
Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
- Permalink: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before ...
Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Alan: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.
- Permalink: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom? Well, the brid...
Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
- Permalink: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at a...
[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
- Permalink: My God! It's like a Jackson Pollock painting. The ceiling fa...