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Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

Alan: (talking about Milly's mom) She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no freaking idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is, the grandmother of my children.

Jake: (talking about "getting his ducks in a row" before the date) What was that thing about ducks?
Charlie: It's just an expression.
Jake: Well, it's confusing.
Charlie: Sorry.
Jake: You can't get them in a row...
Charlie: I know. I know. Now, just listen to me.
Jake: ...they're ducks. They move willy-nilly.

Alan: So, did you make the call?
Charlie: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots, and a full-length fur coat.
Alan: If anyone can pull it off, it's you.

Berta: So, Zippy's getting a hooker?
Charlie: It would appear so.
Berta: Talk about earning your money.

(to Charlie) I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Alan

Alan: Where did you get that?
Jake: I found it on the table.
Alan: Oh, Jake...
Jake: It's okay, I'm eating on the side without the teeth marks.
Charlie: Puberty, my ass. That's a missing chromosome.

Cynthia: Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake: It's called puberty.
Charlie: It's called donuts.
Jake [looking down at his crotch]: Donuts don't make hair.

Charlie: How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
Herb: Well... I like a full bush, the way God intended.
Charlie: I like them trimmed.

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