Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 5 Episode 9: "Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids"

Courtney: What do you have to lose?
Charlie: Well, there's my integrity, my self-respect, my relationship with your father.. give me the damn keys!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (To Charlie) But it always seems to work out that every time you get laid, I get screwed!
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: (talking about Charlie) I just can't believe he's still in bed.
Alan: He's a drunk, Mom, that's what they do.
 • Rating: Unrated

Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You want to sell me a car now?
Courtney: Or, I could go downstairs.
Charlie: You wouldn't?
Courtney: I would.
Charlie: Wait a minute. You planned this. You knew they were coming over today.
Courtney: Well, a good salesman pays attention!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Here we go, Blue Eyes. I made it myself.
Teddy: Thank you.
Evelyn: Nothing for me, thanks.
Berta: I don't recall offering.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: What's this?
Courtney: Oh, that's the extended warranty. Just a little extra protection.
Charlie: It's a bit late for that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (with the phone in his hand) It's Teddy's daughter, she wants to talk to you.
Charlie: Really?
Alan: But you promised Teddy you'd stay away from her.
Charlie: Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Okay, Mom, I guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Evelyn: Charlie, the wedding is not for six months.
Charlie: Yeah, but it's bad luck to see the bride beforehand.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I thought you told me to stay away from her?
Teddy: I was just trying to protect you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Teddy: Thanks for coming, fellas. Means a lot to me.
Alan: Wouldn't miss it. We wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. Right, Charlie?
Charlie: Well, yeah, but he seems hell-bent on marrying mom.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: So, where do they put the engine in these things?
Courtney: Where it belongs... in the rear.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 8: "Is There a Mrs. Waffles?"

Charlie: You ever wonder why I never played in a band?
Alan: I just figured you were already getting laid so much, being in a rock band would seem redundant.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Artie: This guy is a phenomenon. The label has already moved a 100,000 units in two weeks. The Wiggles can kiss my pasty white tushie.
Alan: I'm sorry, who are you?
Artie: Oh, I'm Artie Pliskin, president and CEO of Fluffy Bunny Records. And you are?
Alan: Alan, Charlie's brother.
Artie: Oh, you're the sponge!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: It's show business, Alan. You don't tell people the truth
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Charlie Waffles music plays)
Berta: Pretty catchy, huh?
Alan: So's gonorrhea.
Berta: Drinking from the well of bitterness are we?
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Charlie: What do you think?
Alan: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (surprised look) They love him! How can they love him?
Artie: Who cares, we're gonna make a fortune.
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: (shrugs) He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (to Berta) I just don't understand what kind of spiteful god could allow my drunken whoremonger of a brother to become a children's singing star while I toil away in poverty-stricken anonymity.
 • Rating: Unrated

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