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Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: What's that?
Charlie: A birthday present for Chelsea.
Jake: But I thought you guys broke up.
Charlie: Yeah well I bought it a couple months ago.
Jake: Why?
Charlie: Because I thought that's when her birthday was. Turns out I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.

Alan: I did buy her a nice scarf.
Charlie: Will it support your weight from a shower rod?

Alan: ...and maybe Saturday, a date.
Charlie: You're calling those magazines dates now?

Jake: I like German cars.
Charlie: Well if keep your nose clean and work hard, you may be able to park them for a living.

Man, If I'd known you liked the whacky weed, I wouldn't have spent the last eight years getting baked under the deck. You know, when I was on break.

Berta

Alan: Let me tell you something young man, chapter two of your father's story hasn't been written.
Jake: Is chapter one, "I crapped my pants?"

Alan: My life isn't over you know.
Jake: Okay.
Alan: What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Jake: Then you must be like the hulk.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather get a maple syrup enema and sit on an ant pile.

Charlie

Alan: You might want to eat something so when you throw up later, it won't just be alcohol and stomach juice.
Charlie: Way ahead of you. (holds up drink) I call it an Egg McBorboun.

Prostitute: What's my role in this?
Charlie: You don't think I'm a good role model, yet paradoxically you want to have kids with me.

Prostitue: What kind of sex does charlie want?
Charlie: Oh i get to choose? It's kind of like Baskin Robbins. You know if they charged $1,000 a scoop.

Alan: You stole drugs from your son?
Lyndsay: It's only fair, he stole my youth.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 157 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry

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