Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes

Season 7 Episode 21: "This Is Not Gonna End Well"

Jake: What's that?
Charlie: A birthday present for Chelsea.
Jake: But I thought you guys broke up.
Charlie: Yeah well I bought it a couple months ago.
Jake: Why?
Charlie: Because I thought that's when her birthday was. Turns out I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I did buy her a nice scarf.
Charlie: Will it support your weight from a shower rod?
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Alan: ...and maybe Saturday, a date.
Charlie: You're calling those magazines dates now?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: I like German cars.
Charlie: Well if keep your nose clean and work hard, you may be able to park them for a living.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 7 Episode 21: "Gumby with a Pokey"

Berta: Man, If I'd known you liked the whacky weed, I wouldn't have spent the last eight years getting baked under the deck. You know, when I was on break.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Let me tell you something young man, chapter two of your father's story hasn't been written.
Jake: Is chapter one, "I crapped my pants?"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: My life isn't over you know.
Jake: Okay.
Alan: What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Jake: Then you must be like the hulk.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather get a maple syrup enema and sit on an ant pile.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You might want to eat something so when you throw up later, it won't just be alcohol and stomach juice.
Charlie: Way ahead of you. (holds up drink) I call it an Egg McBorboun.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 20: "I Called Him Magoo"

Prostitute: What's my role in this?
Charlie: You don't think I'm a good role model, yet paradoxically you want to have kids with me.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Prostitue: What kind of sex does charlie want?
Charlie: Oh i get to choose? It's kind of like Baskin Robbins. You know if they charged $1,000 a scoop.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You stole drugs from your son?
Lyndsay: It's only fair, he stole my youth.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lyndsay: It's like the horse head scene in The Godfather.
Alan: Could be worse. Could be the prom scene from Carrie.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: I miss the 80's but you don't see me snorting blow of a DeLorean.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 7 Episode 19: "Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave"

Alan: Now, to the issue of underage drinking. Not only is it against the law, alcohol destroys brain cells.
Charlie: Alan, you gotta tailor the pitch to the audience.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: Forget brain cells. Jake, listen to me, this is very important. Alcohol can make it tough to get a boner.
Jake: You're kidding?
Charlie: I can't tell you how many times I've said, "this has never happened before."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: I'm never gonna drink again.
Charlie: Quitter.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: Oh right, atta boy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: This is a hot divorced mother from the valley, you're going to need three penises and a jumper cable to get her attention.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Piece of tail always trumps peace of mind, doesn't it?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: When I came down here I was hoping to be a dancer.
Charlie: Really?
Berta: Yeah, then I met pot and donuts. Before I knew it I was scrubbing toilets and hosing teenage barf out of wicker baskets.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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