Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 7 Episode 19: "Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave"

Charlie: Who the hell are you?
Jake: Oh, this is my friend Eldrige, he plays that drums.
Charlie: Okay, that explains the attitude.
Eldridge: What, are you ragging on my name?
Charlie: No, I'm ragging on your instrument, now beat it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 18: "Ixnay on the Oggie Day"

Chelsea: I should never have let you go.
Charlie: Sometimes you can't appreciate what you got until you go to Mexico and don't have sex with a momma's boy.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Charlie: What is that?
Alan: A portable massage table.
Charlie: So what are you giving rub and tugs on the pier now?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: Let me get this one.
Charlie: Really? You're not going for the world record?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Charlie: 1647 meals in a row where you haven't taken your stupid velcro wallet.
Alan: You were counting?
Charlie: Was I close?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Why'd you change your friggin hair?
Alan: My girlfriend asked me to.
Charlie: If your new girlfriend asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Alan: If she put her tongue in my mouth while she asked me...
Charlie: I can't blame you. I once bought a woman a car for the same reason.
Alan: She put her tongue in your mouth?
Charlie: Sure. Let's say mouth.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 7 Episode 17: "I Found Your Moustache"

Berta: Oh crap.
Alan: What?
Berta: Just a little disappointed. I saw Chelsea's car in the driveway and didn't see yours.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Hey Uncle Charlie you look like a 70's porn star... I'm guessing.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: I'm just supposed to leave my car by the side of the road. What happens if someone tries to steal it?
Charlie: Good thinking. Leave the keys, gas money and a thank you note.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Don't insult the green lifestyle. I work very hard to reduce my carbon footprint.
Charlie: You're a mooch and a miser, don't try and make it sound hip.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I'm hammered, how's it going to look if I get a DUI spying on my ex-girlfriend.
Alan: He's very responsible about drinking and stalking.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I can't believe she's already dating.
Alan: You're kidding right? The day after she moved out you ran off to Vegas to marry a stripper.
Charlie: We grieve in different ways. Besides, the stripper was already married so no harm, no foul.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 16: "Tinkle Like a Princess"

Alan: I think we should call the police.
Berta: Nah, he'll show. He may be broke and riddled with gonorrhea, but he'll find his way home.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: If I can't haive chelsea, I don't want to live.
Alan: Where are you going?
Charlie: Strip club.
Alan: Ah yes, death by lap dance.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I can't go in there, it reminds me too much of Chelsea.
Alan: The bathroom?
Charlie: It's where she used to brush her hair, floos her, and tinkle like a princess.
Alan: Okay, where have you been tinkling?
Charlie: I need a new ficus.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Damnit Charlie, get out of that water!
Alan: We need to go after him.
Berta: Don't look at me! I just ate, I gotta wait a half an hour.
Alan: Well I just took a shower and washed my hair, this is leave in conditioner.
Berta: What about Jake?
Alan: Jake's at this mother's.
Berta: Maybe we should give him a call.
Alan: There's no time!
Charlie [comes back soaking]: Water's really cold.
Alan: Just so you know we were about to come get you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Where you going?
Charlie: Out for a swim
Alan: You never go in the water.
Charlie: That's because I'm not a good swimmer.
Alan: You don't think he's gonna?
Berta: I dunno?
Alan: Charlie, stop this!
Berta: Charlie! Come back it's not that bad!
Alan: Come on, Charlie! You still have your family!
Berta: Very smart, now he's sprinting.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 15: "Aye, Aye Captain"

Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Charlie: Yeah.
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Charlie about Chelsea]: She's one in a million. You're a dime a dozen.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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