Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
Try it Now for Free and Instantly Watch Two and a Half Men.

Lyndsay: It's like the horse head scene in The Godfather.
Alan: Could be worse. Could be the prom scene from Carrie.

I miss the 80's but you don't see me snorting blow of a DeLorean.

Berta

Alan: Now, to the issue of underage drinking. Not only is it against the law, alcohol destroys brain cells.
Charlie: Alan, you gotta tailor the pitch to the audience.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: Forget brain cells. Jake, listen to me, this is very important. Alcohol can make it tough to get a boner.
Jake: You're kidding?
Charlie: I can't tell you how many times I've said, "this has never happened before."

Jake: I'm never gonna drink again.
Charlie: Quitter.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: Oh right, atta boy.

This is a hot divorced mother from the valley, you're going to need three penises and a jumper cable to get her attention.

Charlie

Piece of tail always trumps peace of mind, doesn't it?

Charlie

Berta: When I came down here I was hoping to be a dancer.
Charlie: Really?
Berta: Yeah, then I met pot and donuts. Before I knew it I was scrubbing toilets and hosing teenage barf out of wicker baskets.

And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.

Charlie

Charlie: Who the hell are you?
Jake: Oh, this is my friend Eldrige, he plays that drums.
Charlie: Okay, that explains the attitude.
Eldridge: What, are you ragging on my name?
Charlie: No, I'm ragging on your instrument, now beat it.

Chelsea: I should never have let you go.
Charlie: Sometimes you can't appreciate what you got until you go to Mexico and don't have sex with a momma's boy.

Charlie: What is that?
Alan: A portable massage table.
Charlie: So what are you giving rub and tugs on the pier now?

Alan: Let me get this one.
Charlie: Really? You're not going for the world record?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Charlie: 1647 meals in a row where you haven't taken your stupid velcro wallet.
Alan: You were counting?
Charlie: Was I close?

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 157 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry