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Two-and-a-half-men

Berta: When I came down here I was hoping to be a dancer.
Charlie: Really?
Berta: Yeah, then I met pot and donuts. Before I knew it I was scrubbing toilets and hosing teenage barf out of wicker baskets.

And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.

Charlie

Charlie: Who the hell are you?
Jake: Oh, this is my friend Eldrige, he plays that drums.
Charlie: Okay, that explains the attitude.
Eldridge: What, are you ragging on my name?
Charlie: No, I'm ragging on your instrument, now beat it.

Chelsea: I should never have let you go.
Charlie: Sometimes you can't appreciate what you got until you go to Mexico and don't have sex with a momma's boy.

Charlie: What is that?
Alan: A portable massage table.
Charlie: So what are you giving rub and tugs on the pier now?

Alan: Let me get this one.
Charlie: Really? You're not going for the world record?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Charlie: 1647 meals in a row where you haven't taken your stupid velcro wallet.
Alan: You were counting?
Charlie: Was I close?

Charlie: Why'd you change your friggin hair?
Alan: My girlfriend asked me to.
Charlie: If your new girlfriend asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Alan: If she put her tongue in my mouth while she asked me...
Charlie: I can't blame you. I once bought a woman a car for the same reason.
Alan: She put her tongue in your mouth?
Charlie: Sure. Let's say mouth.

Berta: Oh crap.
Alan: What?
Berta: Just a little disappointed. I saw Chelsea's car in the driveway and didn't see yours.

Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.

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