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Two-and-a-half-men

I love my son, and more importantly, I love my country, which is why I don't think my son should have access to flying bombs, or really any kind of weapon.

Alan

Don't worry about me, worry about our nation's enemies.

Jake

Alan: This is serious; you will never amount to anything, if you sleep all day.
Walden: Morning.
Jake: I am sorry; I was just distracted by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Alan: Is this session confidential?
Cardiologist: Think of me as a priest, except when I touch your nuts, it's strictly business.

Alan: Hello, Doctor.
Cardiologist: Well, I have got some good news .
Alan: Well, let me have it.
Cardiologist: I am banging my receptionist.

I try not to insult people who can come back and haunt me.

Berta

Charlie's Ghost: I had to come back from hell to do it, but I finally got you out of my freaking house.
Alan: So you were just screwing with me?
Charlie's Ghost: Yep.
Alan: Why?
CG: I am in hell, Alan, that is kind of what we do.

Jake: Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
Walden: Why would someone do that?
Jake: That my friend, is the million dollar question.

Walden: How are you feeling?
Alan: Fantastic, I am on a morphine drip, everyone should have a morphine drip, and there will be no more drips.

Lyndsey: The guest toilet is broken; I want you to fix it.
Alan: Are we role playing? I am the naughty plumber here to snake your drain.
Lyndsey: No, you are the loving boyfriend, here to fix my toilet.

You know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live came to live in this house for a few days, maybe you've met him, and he is the pot-soaked, masturbating, couch-eating potato who eats all your cookies.

Berta

My point being, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I want a fully-funded 401K and a Camaro.

Berta
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 78 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan [to urn]
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