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Two-and-a-half-men

Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.

Zoey: Interesting, I can imagine you as a drunken Sodomite, never imagining you for liking poetry.
Lyndsey: Oh no, I really do, here is a poem you might appreciate:
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I am nice person
And you can bite my pale, unrefined ass.
Zoey: A lady does not bite; she will however make you wear that ass as a bonnet.

Lyndsey: I am not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours.
Zoey: Well, Opera is not for everyone, to appreciate it requires a refined taste and certain amount of education.

Zoey: I slept like a baby.
Lyndsey: Hope you did not wet the bed.

That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.

Alan

Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.

Alan

A guy in a leotard and a skirt realized he chopped off his own brother's head off. That is heartbreaking.

Walden

There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.

Lyndsey

When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.

Alan

I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.

Alan

Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 78 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan [to urn]
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