Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 9 Episode 8: "Frodo's Headshots"

Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Oh thank god I'm still in a looney bin.
Gary Busey: It's a stress clinic.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Alan: I'm soaking wet and i had to give a truck driver half a handy to get here.
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 7: "Thank You For The Intercourse"

Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Jake: Man they got my good bong.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.
 • Rating: 4.4 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 6: "Those Fancy Japanese Toilets"

Evelyn: For god sake's walden, I'm old enough to be your mother. Assuming a teenage pregnancy, of course.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: You really should get that boy a unicycle and bowling pins.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Jake: We have to get rid of Walden. He's got to go.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Walden: You know if he hooks up with you, he goes to jail.
Megan: I'd wait for him.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Jake: I bet you shower every day.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Alan: It's a miracle I'm not a transexual on Dancing With the Stars.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 6: "The Squat and Hover"

Dani: If you're not gay, whats the deal with Alan?
Walden: He claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when I kissed him.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Dr. Freeman: Cured is one of those lamen terms psychiatrists try to avoid. It's bad for business.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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