Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
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Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 full episodes online, free and paid options via our partners and affiliates.

Alan & Lindsey Argue
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 24
"Oh Look! Al Qaeda?"
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It's the season finale of Two and a Half Men, as Alan and Lindsey get into a major argument.

Alan & Walden At Home
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 23
"The Straw In My Donut Hole"
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Zoey wonders why everyone makes such a fuss when Alan leaves the hospital on the 200th episode of Two and a Half Men.

Kathy Bates on Two and a Half Men
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 22
"Why We Gave Up Women"
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Kathy Bates guest stars on Two and a Half Men this week. As Charlie?!? Yup.

Alan Moves in With Lindsey
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 21
"Mr. Hose Says Yes"
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Alan moves in with Lindsey and the results aren't what he expected. Meanwhile Zoey and her daughter become Walden's housemates.

Mothers of a Problem
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 20
"Grandma's Pie"
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Alan and Lyndsey react to the shocking development in their lives this week: their mothers are dating?!?

Jake and Eldridge and Walden
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 19
"Palmdale, Ech"
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Jake and Elridge enlist the help of Walden this week. He drives them to a high school party.

Patton Oswalt on Two and a Half Men
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 18
"The War Against Gingivitis"
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Patton Oswalt guest stars on this episode of Two and a Half Men. He plays Walden's former business partner.

Drink Much?
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 17
"Not In My Mouth"
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Does Lyndsey have a drinking problem? Alan ponders this question on this episode of Two and a Half Men.

Trapped on Valentine's Day
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 16
"Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy"
Original Air Date:

It's an anger-filled Valentine's Day on Two and a Half Men, as Walden, Alan, Lyndsey and Zoey are trapped inside together.

The Two Men
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 14
"The Duchess of Dull-In Sack"
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Two and a Half Men is back after a brief hiatus. This episode is titled "The Duchess of Dull-In Sack."

The New Walden
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 13
"A Possum on Chemo"
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Walden changes up his look on Two and a Half Men this week. So long, homeless guy!

Fighting for Walden
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 12
"Slowly and in a Circular Fashion"
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Walden needs help from Alan on this episode of Two and a Half Men because his mother and ex-wife attempt wrestle away control of his company.

A Two and a Half Men Christmas
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 11
"One False Move, Zimbabwe!"
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Alan falls for Walden's mom on this episode of Two and a Half Men, while also learning something about her new friend's past.

A Mexican Flight
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 10
"What a Lovely Landing Strip"
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Walden tries to impress his new love interest this week. But then Bridget reappears in his life.

Walden Meets a Girl
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 9
"A Fishbowl Full Of Glass Eyes"
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Is Walden ready to date again? He meets a beautiful British woman on this episode of Two and a Half Men.

Gary Busey on Two and a Half Men
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 8
"Frodo's Headshots"
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Alan ends up in a mental hospital on Two and a Half Men this week, as Gary Busey guest stars as himself.

The Two and a Half Men
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 7
"Thank You For The Intercourse"
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Walden's redecorates this week. But the move sends Alan over the edge on Two and a Half Men.

Jake Harper Photograph
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 6
"Those Fancy Japanese Toilets"
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Jake crushes on his teacher this week, but there's a problem: she crushes on Walden.

Surprise, Alan!
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 6
"The Squat and Hover"
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Walden receives divorce papers this week. He then meets a woman who resembles his ex.

Surprise, Alan!
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 5
"Giant Cat Holding Churro"
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Walden tries to cheer Alan up this week. How so? By throwing him a bikini party, of course.

Walden and Alan
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 4
"Nine Magic Fingers"
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Walden is on a mission this week. Where is Mrs. Right? She must be around somewhere!

Stunned Alan
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 3
"Big Girls Don't Throw Dog Food"
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Alan hangs out with Jake this week and realizes: his son isn't exactly so smart.

Cleaning Up Walden
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 2
"People Who Love Peepholes"
Original Air Date:

It's the second half of the Two and a Half Mn season premiere event. We meet Walden's ex-wife this week.

Ashton Kutcher as Walden Schmidt
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 1
"Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt"
Original Air Date:

Perhaps you've heard the news: Charlie Sheen is out and Ashton Kutcher is in. We meet the latter's character on this season premiere.

Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan [to urn]