Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXPopular Family Guy Quotes
Lois: Peter, why are you wearing that suit?
Stewie: Yes, you look like the statue of liberty's pimp.
(Stewie and Brian share a High-five)
And thanks to Deidre I got some of my own milk to put on my cereal. What? I'm fun.
Peter
Rush Limbaugh: Limbaugh Rule #1: No tax dodging Jedis in my pit!
Chris: Religion is tax exempt! Jedi's a religion!
Lois: Oh you guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your hard work. It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.
Peter: Hey Lois, take a look. I just made five hundred tee shirts that say "Vote For Lois, unless you're queer. No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."
I didn't feel anything, but you did!
Joe
Chris: (Runs into the room screaming.) Ahhhhh! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my tree-house!
Lois: Yeah and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Little Homo: I'll remind you that I was invited here!
Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin." May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here, too, see? "Hehehehehehehe..."
Brian: (After being shocked by Peter.) Damn it Peter, stop it! I got to tell you, you're pissing me off worse when I watched the OJ verdict with my old roommate. (Cuts to scene where Brian and his roommate are watching TV.)
TV Announcer: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. (Roommate says "Yes!" while Brian says "What the hell?" simultaneously. There is a moment of silence.)
Brian and Roommate: (simultaneously) What? (They both take out guns and aim at each other.)
Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.
No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy.
Peter
I tell you, this obituary came out great. "Carter Pewterschmidt died today of the disease cancer. In lieu of flowers, please send carnival rides to Peter Griffin at 31 Spooner Street." If we get just one ride out of this, it will have been a success.
Peter
Peter: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to my fanny (Cries)
Cleavland: Peter it's okay.
Peter: No it's not okay, you don't know what it's like.
Cleavland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
Peter: He did it to you too?
Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical slice guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig. With sexual experimentation.
Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. (Joe rolls away, but then comes back) And so am I. Oh god, it was horrible. I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough.
Asian Santa: (really fast) What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa: (really fast) Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
(throws Stewie and an Asian kid comes) What you want?
Asian Kid: (really fast) Fire truck!
Asian Santa: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa: Next. (throws kid)
