Two and a Half Men

Jake Harper Quotes (Page 23)

Berta: Just out of curiosity, what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Alan: Nothing.
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Hey, Jake, have you ever eaten snails?
Jake: Yeah, sure.
Charlie: I mean in a restaurant.
Jake: Uh, no.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jake: Dad, if Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts would that make you guys even?
Alan: No.
Jake [to Charlie]: Boy, he's really mad at you
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again didn't you?
Jake: It's 1234. Even a monkey could crack that
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Tell Jake what you told me last night.
Charlie: Oh, okay, sure. Jake, your father didn't steal the Silly Putty, I did.
Jake: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, I stuck it in his pocket, so if anything happened, he'd be the one to get in trouble.
Alan: What do you think now, Jake?
Jake: I think Uncle Charlie's a genius
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
Jake: Nope.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Okay, yes.
Alan: Jake, do we have to go through this discussion every Friday?
Jake: I'd rather we didn't
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [about Jake's homework]: Why didn't you do this part?
Jake: That's extra credit, you don't have to do it.
Alan: Why don't you do it anyway?
Jake: Because I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows that you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it anyway.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the work as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is the extra!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: There you go, Elvis, peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison.
Jake: Thank you?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers
 • Rating: Unrated

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