Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's whether or not you beat the spread

Jake: These clothes look stupid.
Charlie: You're ten. No one cares

Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?
Charlie: Why? It doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone... and we're all going to die

Jake: Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet!
Charlie: I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque nineteen-year-old girl?
Alan: Porky's his pet guinea pig.
Charlie: You're bringing vermin into my house?

Jake: Why do you hate your mother?
Charlie: I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink

Charlie: What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?
Jake: How do you know it was me?
Charlie: Oh, come on, who else around here drinks Transylvania Goofy Juice?
Jake: Good point

Charlie: What'd you get busted for?
Jake: I painted my room at Mom's house.
Charlie: What's wrong with that?
Jake: I'm ten years old

Alan: I am not comfortable with this. Maybe I should go and wait in the car.
Charlie: You're not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't wanna meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon. Your wife is out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake [singing]: ...it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple-maple-maplelicious.
Hot Chick: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh. Thank you.
Hot Chick: You and your... life partner must be so proud.
Charlie: You're right. Go wait in the car!

Charlie: You know your uncle Charlie wrote that song.
Jake: No lie.
Charlie: Kid, if I was going to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven"

Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don't have any food.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry. Who's smiling now, shorty?

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.