Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFavorite Lois Griffin Quotes
Peter: ( sees fat Lois come in ) Oh, hey Hogzilla. You seen my hot wife Lois anywhere?
Lois: I don't know. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her.
Peter: (laughs sarcastically) Hey, do me a favor. When you're in bed, point your butt the other way. Last night, you farted, swear to god, I thought someone was stickin' me with the cigarette lighter from the car.
You're being silly, Jerome and I dated over twelve inches go.
Peter: Lois, I'm packing for Kissstock and I can't find my favorite underwear!
Lois: You mean the one with the hole in the left butt cheek from you tore them pulling them up in the airplane bathroom when you had the trots?
Peter: No, the one with the hole in the right butt cheek from when I held it in during the extra-long sunday service mass because I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, and I let it go in the vestibule, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
Lois: Oh. Middle drawer!
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat
Chris: I want a new hat
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
Lois: When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille!
Peter: Everybody, I got bad news - we've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh, no. Peter, how can they do that?
Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like: Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pits, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg The Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well, I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot
Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don't worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month.
Chris: We'll be his period.
Lois: Chris, I'm gonna teach you to be an affable, desirable young man, who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris: Why you gotta break balls?
Joe: Hey neighbors, where's your boat?
Lois: We didn't take the boat, we took the mystery box. Hop in!
Stewie: Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois: Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favorite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie: Make any joke you want. You know I look good
Lois [at a drive through with Lois' sister in labor]: Peter, why have we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have 3 cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter, for God's sake! She's having a baby!
Peter: Oh, that's right, and a kid's meal
Lois: ...like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire: Oh Gaaawwwd!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh GAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWD!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to just lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
