Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
Alan: I can't believe it, you're nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous. What am I going to talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since I was in high school!
(to Charlie) It's possible you might enjoy your dates more if you went out with women who were capable of using their head for something other than a place to rest their ankles.
Alan
Alan: Oh, there they are.
Charlie: Hang on, hang on, which one's mine?
Alan: The one on the right.
Charlie: Wow! She's forty? She has the ears of a twenty-year-old.
Linda: Old friend?
Charlie: Oh, yeah! You know, church choir, bake sale. You may not want to drink the ice tea.
Yeah, hi, Linda, it's Charlie again. I just want you to know this will be my last message. I figured three's a charm, four is a restraining order. (Laughs) Look who I'm telling.
Charlie
Berta: What's this broad got that's so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you going to do with a brain?
Charlie: It doesn't matter, she'll never call me.
Berta: Awww! Don't talk like that. Just because she's smart and successful doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.
Linda: Please, tell me you did not get yourself arrested just so you can see me?
Charlie: Ummm! You got me.
Linda: Charlie, what am I going to do with you?
Charlie: Have dinner with me? Otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree here.
Linda: Alright, one dinner. Now, step back.
Charlie: (whispering) Yes, ma'am.
Linda: How do you plead?
Charlie: Guilty, your Honor.
Linda: Is this your first offense?
Charlie: Yes, your Honor.
Linda: Alright, $500.
Charlie: $500? Last time....
Linda: "Last time?"
Charlie: Thank you, your Honor.
Sharon: I'm sorry, Alan, I can't do this.
Alan: Sure you can. I mean, you are... and if you'll allow me to say so, you're pretty good at it.
Sharon: It's not you, it's me.
Alan: Yeah, right!
Sharon: What is that supposed to mean?
Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty two different women in my life, and you know what? It's never been me.
Berta: Morning.
Alan: Morning. Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
Sharon: The image of you lying on top of me will haunt me forever.
Alan: Did you want to be on top?
Evelyn: Margaret, good to see you! How's married life?
Margaret: Oh, just one long honeymoon.
Evelyn: That's because she bangs a different groom every night.
Charlie: Hi. Charlie Harper.
Alan: You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
