Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
Dr. Freeman: Why don't we talk about your current relationship?
Charlie: Linda? Well, let's see. She's a municipal court judge.
Dr. Freeman: Oh, very impressive.
Charlie: Thank you.
Dr. Freeman: I meant for her, Charlie.
Alan: Oh, Linda, hi.
Linda: Hi, Alan. I'm sorry to show up unannounced, but Charlie hasn't been answering his cell phone and I wanted to make sure he's OK.
Alan: Charlie's fine. We have a pharmacy that delivers.
Jake: Do you play volleyball?
Linda: No, do you?
Jake: No, I just like to watch them jump up and down.
Alan: Berta, have you seen Charlie?
Berta: He's not in his bed?
Alan: No.
Berta: Passed out on the bathroom floor?
Alan: No.
Berta: Rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?
Jake: No.
Berta: Well, that just leaves the bars, hospitals, and jails. I'll go get the Yellow Pages.
Charlie: London certainly agrees with you, Rose. You look beautiful.
Rose: I just can't believe you're here.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I wanted you to know, I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, I miss you.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, I miss you, too.
Charlie: Are you seeing anybody?
Rose: Actually, I am seeing someone, but I'm not really sure where it's going yet.
Charlie: To be honest, there is one lady I've been dating. She's actually my own age!
Rose: No!
Charlie: Yeah, but my therapist says she's not good for me.
(To Rose) You always loved me for who I am instead of for who I could be, which is wonderful. And let's face it, we both love who I am.
Charlie
Rose: You can't expect me to go back to what we had without a commitment.
Charlie: "A commitment"?
Rose: I think we should get married.
Charlie: "Married"?
Rose: Sell the house in Malibu and move to a kid-friendly neighborhood here in London.
Charlie: Kids?
Rose: We're going to have kids, aren't we?
Charlie: She looks like Rose!
Alan: It couldn't be, she's still in England, right?
Charlie: Last I heard.
Jake: I got a postcard from her the other day.
Charlie: Really, what did it say?
Jake: Uh, well, let's see. "Dear Jake, How are you? I'm fine. Hope you're doing well in school. Ha, ha." I think that's a joke 'cause she knows I struggle with my grades. Let's see, what else. Oh, yeah. "Say 'hello from England' for everybody." Hello, from England.
Charlie: Why do I keep thinking I see her?
Jake: Maybe you miss her.
Charlie: I don't think so. I was a little down when she left, which is to be expected, but I've got Linda now. I moved on. And what the hell am I doing talking to you about my personal life?
Jake: Cause I'm a good listener? Cause you have no other friends? Ha, ha.
Jake: I started algebra.
Alan: Oh, really? How do you like it?
Jake: Eh, I don't get it at all, but the teacher's really hot.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Yeah, she's got some really great racks.
Alan: Um, don't you mean "rack"?
Jake: No, she's got two, and they're ginormous!
Alan: Oh, hey, how was Santa Barbara?
Jake: Santa Barbra? It's Spanish for "city of great racks."
Alan: She's a fascinating woman: she's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA.....
Charlie: Oh, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: Of course, it makes a big difference. The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass.
Alan: You know, I'm already regretting this.
