Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes
Evelyn: That is the king of vaginal rejuvenation surgery. But interestingly, he's never used one himself, rejuvenated or otherwise.
Charlie: Wouldn't that make him the queen of vaginal surgery?
Evelyn: Teddy is out of town and I need an escort for the Civic Light Opera benefit this evening.
Charlie: Why don't you just try one of those escort services?
Evelyn: Charlie, if I were going to pay $200 per hour for a man, I would not be taking him to the opera.
Charlie: That's fair.
Evelyn: They say that he killed a famous writer just to prove a point.
Charlie: Ooohh. And what was the point?
Evelyn: ...I can kill a writer.
Alan: Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So, now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Alan: Charlie, I'm not gonna lie to some poor woman, just so you can dump her.
Charlie: I'm not dumping her. We've just grown apart.
Alan: Since you've picked her up at a bar last night?
Charlie: People change...
Charlie: Getting hit in the face hurts. But you know what hurts more?
Jake: A kick in the crotch?
Charlie: So, junior high eh? Boy, that brings back some memories. Doesn't it, Alan?
Alan: Can we please not go down that road?
Jake: What happened?
Alan: Nothing, it's just that kids in junior high can be a little judgmental.
Berta: Especially if you're knocked-up.
Alan: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: Of course on the upside, pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym.
Charlie: Did the guys who got 'em pregnant get any consideration... nooo. Not even a hall pass.
Alan: You'll see things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
Jake: Like what?
Alan: Well, er, always keep your lunch money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
Jake: How come?
Alan: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you til they get something.
Jake: Who are "they"?
Alan: The big kids holding you by the ankles and plunging your head into the toilet.
Jake: Plunging my head into the toilet?!
Charlie: Don't freak the kid out, Alan. It's not so much "plunging" as "dipping."
Alan: Oh, I almost forgot, I got you a little present: your very own cellphone.
Jake: Ah, cool!
Alan: Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.
Jake: "Emergenies?" What emergencies?
Charlie: (whispering) "Dad, come get me. I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet."
Alan: That only happened once.
Alan: Smile.
Jake: About what?
Alan: I need a current picture in case you go missing.
Charlie: Alan, you're being ridiculous, they never find those kids.
Face it, Alan. When the good Lord was handing out courage, you were crouched in a locker, peein' on your gym socks.
Charlie
Alan [about Jake]: I hope he didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
