Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 7 Episode 12: "Fat Jokes, Pie, & Celeste"

Charlie: Look at the bright side, you got a great song out of it. Twelve more girls piss on you and you got an album, or a fetish.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Girls don't generally respond to desperation.
Jake: How do you know?
Charlie: Are you kidding? I've been watching your father get shot down for twenty five years. It's like living with an air force training film.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: I love her.
Alan: Stop it, you love fart jokes and pie.
Jake: Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Let's see, what's the proper wine for the occasion? Oh, who cares? Everything goes with ass-biting.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 11: "Warning, it's Dirty"

Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight.
Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: What's mom doing here?
Alan: Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.
Charlie: I know, why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Do I look okay?
Charlie: Jake, she waved at you, she smiled, clearly her standards aren't that high.
Jake: Right, thanks.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: I'm in a committed relationship.
Charlie: What are you talking about? You're 13.
Jake: I'm 15.
Charlie: Well who cares, you're too young for a committed relationship. I'm 40 and I'm barely ready.
Jake: You're 42.
Charlie: What is it with you an numbers?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about Marty]: Mom, are you and he...
Evelyn: Good Lord, no. The man is a thousand years old. It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Speaking of generosity, check out what I got Chelsea.
Alan: Diamond earrings, nice.
Charlie: Yeah, she dropped a couple hints about stuff she wanted, but I wasn't really listening, so I bought her these.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 10: "That's Why They Call It Ball Room"

Charlie: Chelsea and I had a fight.
Alan: I'm sorry to hear that, did you want to talk about?
Charlie: I just did. Now go sleep on the couch.
Alan: Wait, if you and Chelsea had a fight, why do I have to sleep on the couch?
Charlie: You ever hear of crap rolling uphill?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: This mean she's financially well off and doesn't care about your money.
Charlie: Which makes me trust her even less.
Alan: What!?
Charlie: Alan, think it through. If she's not interested in my money, then why is she marrying me?
Alan: I have no idea.
Charlie: Exactly, we may have to consider the possibility that Chelsea is insane.
Alan: I see your point.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Anything I could live in for free? You know, house-sit, building manager in lieu of rent?
Charlie: How did this become about you?
Alan: Fine, I'll stay here.
Charlie: Oh good, I was worried.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I am not middle aged.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry...
Charlie: You, you're middle aged!
Alan: I'm younger than you...
Charlie: You're also broke, losing your hair, and sleeping in my hide-a-bed.
Alan: You always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight don't you?
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Jake: Sometimes.
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I'm not hiding anything from you. You know everything I got. House on the beach, car in the garage, and a worthless douche in the guest room.
 • Rating: Unrated

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