Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Berta: Damnit Charlie, get out of that water!
Alan: We need to go after him.
Berta: Don't look at me! I just ate, I gotta wait a half an hour.
Alan: Well I just took a shower and washed my hair, this is leave in conditioner.
Berta: What about Jake?
Alan: Jake's at this mother's.
Berta: Maybe we should give him a call.
Alan: There's no time!
Charlie [comes back soaking]: Water's really cold.
Alan: Just so you know we were about to come get you.

Berta: Where you going?
Charlie: Out for a swim
Alan: You never go in the water.
Charlie: That's because I'm not a good swimmer.
Alan: You don't think he's gonna?
Berta: I dunno?
Alan: Charlie, stop this!
Berta: Charlie! Come back it's not that bad!
Alan: Come on, Charlie! You still have your family!
Berta: Very smart, now he's sprinting.

Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Charlie: Yeah.
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies.

She's one in a million. You're a dime a dozen.

Evelyn [to Charlie about Chelsea]

Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.

Man, you'll do anything not to kick in a little rent, won't you?

Berta [to Alan after seeing him in bed with Charlie]

[Charlie comes to lay down in Alan's bed]
Alan: You are wearing pajama bottoms, right?
Charlie: Shh...
Alan: Exactly how drunk are you?
[Charlie moves over to spoon with Alan]
Charlie: Both questions asked and answered.

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Boo hoo, when are you going to stop blaming your problems on your mommy?

Jake

Charlie: I'd never cone on to another guy's fiancee.
Alan: First of all, we don't know he was coming on to Chelsea and secondly I've seen you hit on a bride as she walked down the aisle.
Charlie: It was a joke. I asked her what she was doing later, everyone laughed.

Jake: We wouldn't have these problems if you put a TV in my room.
Charlie: We wouldn't have these problems if we put a python in your room.
Jake: Touche, douche.

Alan: Well done. You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love. You took the high road.
Charlie: Really, is that what you call it? Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles.
Alan: If you've done it as much as I have, you'd call it the high road.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 157 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry