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Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.

Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way.

Let's see, what's the proper wine for the occasion? Oh, who cares? Everything goes with ass-biting.


Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight.
Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful."

Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid.

Charlie: What's mom doing here?
Alan: Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.
Charlie: I know, why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville?

Alan: Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.

Jake: Do I look okay?
Charlie: Jake, she waved at you, she smiled, clearly her standards aren't that high.
Jake: Right, thanks.

Jake: I'm in a committed relationship.
Charlie: What are you talking about? You're 13.
Jake: I'm 15.
Charlie: Well who cares, you're too young for a committed relationship. I'm 40 and I'm barely ready.
Jake: You're 42.
Charlie: What is it with you an numbers?

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