Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes (Page 7)

Season 7 Episode 5: "For the Sake of the Child"

Charlie [about Jake]: He farts at the dinner table, how much more comfortable do we want him to be?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I don't want to go to sleep angry
Charlie: Try drinking more
Alan: What will that solve?
Charlie: Sobriety
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: It's because of you Jake doesn't want to come here anymore
Charlie: Great, tell me what I did so I can do it to you
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Get out
Alan: What are you talking about, this is my car
Charlie: I'll buy it from you, how much?
Alan: Are we talking blue book because I just put on a new tire?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Why can't you just sneak in candy like a normal cheapskate?
Alan: I'm way ahead of you, i still have these left over from last Halloween
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I have to go to the bathroom
Charlie: You should have peed when made that left turn like I did
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 4: "Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator"

Charlie [to Alan about not being in a relationship]: If you can't afford dog food, don't get a dog
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here. Warm cookies smell, good. Hot poop smell, bad
 • Rating: Unrated

Chelsea [about Jake]: There has to be something beneath that sullen exterior.
Charlie: Yes, a D student with a perpetual boner.
 • Rating: Unrated

Melissa: We should have sex in every room
Alan: I don't see why not. We'll have to bring the towel with us. Of course we're going to have to wait a half an hour to give my erectile dysfunction medicine a chance to overcome my anti depressants
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I was on a date with Melissa
Charlie: How'd it go?
Alan: She broke up with me and I may have to register as a sex offender
Charlie: So at least you had fun
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie [about Chelsea and Jake]: ...and one of you has to go, guess who that will be?
Jake: Why, because you sleep with her?
Charlie: Good for you, why do people think you're stupid?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 7 Episode 3: "Mmm, fish. Yum."

Jake: So the doorman thing was an insult?
Alan: Yes, and a prophecy
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [to Alan]: You couldn't be more of a sucker if you were on the end of a stick
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Herb [to Judith]: All right, no romance. But sex is still on the table?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [to Judith]: I'm implying that there may be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: If that's Sir Lancelot, who did you squish?
Charlie: Your hope of ever driving my car again
 • Rating: Unrated

Lenore: Fred hasn't touched me in over fourteen years
Alan: In his defense, he did have that stroke
 • Rating: Unrated

Lenore: Do you know what it's like waking up to the same stupid face for thirty nine years?
Alan: All I can tell you is what I told your daughter, "if you don't like it, roll over."
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Lenore, you think should be drinking?
Lenore: Why because I've been to Betty Ford?
Alan: No, because you got kicked out of Betty Ford
 • Rating: Unrated

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