Charlie: Berta. How long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working"

Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."

Berta: Hey, Alan, your mom called. She gave me the news.
Alan: Oh, God!
Berta: Come here. I'm proud of ya, Zippy! The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion

Berta: What's going on?
Jake: I had to sleep in dad's room last night 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
Berta: Got it

Berta: Here's your suit.
Charlie: Thanks.
Berta: The dry cleaners found $46 and a condom in the pocket of your coat. Here's the condom.
Charlie: Again, thanks.
Berta: Can I give you free advice?
Charlie: "Free?" I'm already out 46 dollars

Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta [on Charlie's relationship]

You know your problem? Phone cohones! When you're on the phone with her, you've got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll

Berta [on Charlie]: I wish you could have seen him in his prime. He was like Babe Ruth.
Jake: He played baseball?
Berta: No, he was a drunken whore-monger

Jake: Hey, Berta, wanna hear something cool? The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.
Berta: Well, just like the Sizzler

Berta: He's gotta go, Charlie.
Charlie: What am I gonna do, Berta? He's my brother.
Berta: We could make it look like an accident

Charlie: She works for me.
Alan: Well then, tell her when something is on the shopping list, she should shop for it.
Berta: I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him?
Alan: It's very simple. I've decided that I'm going to start drinking acidopholus milk. It promotes intestinal flora, which aids in healthy digestion. For three weeks I've been writing it on the shopping list. Yet, Berta insists on bringing home 2%.
Charlie: Slug him.

Charlie: I just thought you two might hit it off. I'm even making a little welcome basket for you to give to her.
Alan: So, she's beautiful, rich and single. Why would she want me? I'm broke, middle-aged, twice-divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son.
Charlie: We're gonna need a bigger basket.
Berta: We're gonna need chloroform and a rope

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
Miss Tuttle: That's very true.
Charlie: Well, I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.