Popular Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: Do you have any idea how long it would take me to earn that kind of money?
Charlie: Oh don't think like that. You're never going to earn that kind of money.
Alan: It's not what it looks like.
Charlie: That's a relief cause it looks like you were masturbating to mariachi music in your car.
Alan: I only get AM radio!
Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.
Michelle: You've got my number, right?
Charlie: Indeed I do. ... 47.
Alan: Are you really that superficial, vain and shallow?
Charlie: Yes. Yes. And yes.
Michelle: You eat a lot of fish. Aren't you worried about mercury?
Charlie: Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me, mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure, struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. Guess which one I'm rooting for?
Evelyn: You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of 170 lb skin tag?
Alan: Excuse me, 164.
Charlie: Really? That's the part of you object to?
Alan: Would you like to be called a 200 lb drunk?
Charlie: 180.
Alan: See?
Charlie: Yeah, well better a lush than a leach.
Michelle: I thought I heard man crying.
Charlie: That's nothing, that's just Alan.
Michelle: It's nothing?
Charlie: Yeah, he gets up in the middle of the night to pee. And he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates. Then he starts crying.
Michelle: That's awful.
Charlie: It's like the ocean, i can't even hear it anymore.
Michelle: I could deal with your mother, your brother, your nephew, your housekeeper.
Charlie: Yeah but...
Michelle: Wait a sec, I'm not done.. your drinking, your gambling, your womanizing. But I am not putting up with your stalker.
Charlie: Really, that's where you draw the line? Seems a little arbitrary.
Rose: I am getting married next Sunday and I just wanted to let you know before you hear it somewhere else.
Charlie: Where else would I hear it? The society page of the Crazy Bitch Gazette?
Charlie: So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother. Would you be breaking up with me now or would you prefer to wait until after lunch?
Michelle: I'll wait. I already ordered the soufflé and I understand it's very good here.
Jake: I thought you had a date tonight?
Charlie: Not a date. A date experience.
Megan: What's the difference?
Charlie: About $1500.
