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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.

Charlie: The good news is that we're both really clean.
Courtney: Inside and out. Shall we go upstairs and get dirty again?
Charlie: I'm right behind you.
Courtney: What else is new?

Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Alan: Red or black?
Charlie: Double zero.
Alan: What color is that?
Charlie: Ass cheeks.

I've been looking forward to this all year... giving you guys the bird.

Berta

Alan: Is that a votive candle?
Charlie: Yep. She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.
Alan: Oh, please.
Charlie: No, no. It's working. This morning, soft, firm easy peasy.

Jake: Uncle Charlie in there?
Berta: Yep.
Jake: Drunk?
Berta: Hammered.
Jake: You clean him out?
Berta: Would I do that to my little buddy?

I just lost the best housekeeper since Wilma Flintstone.

Charlie

Charlie: Te amo.
Alan: I thought you don't speak Spanish?
Charlie: I do know how to say, "I love you" and "How much for a happy ending?" in seventeen languages.

Charlie: Where did you learn to speak Spanish?
Alan: Junior high, high school, college, two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.

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