"Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab"

After finding out Jake spent Spring Break with Judith's parents, Evelyn demands that Jake spend the night at her place. Though Alan and Charlie dislike the idea, they drop him off and head to the bars to drink away their concerns.

"That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother"

Evelyn buys Alan a sports car and, as Charlie warns him, expects a favor in return. Evelyn makes Alan go on a blind double date with her.

"A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On"

When Evelyn finds out from the obituaries that her second husband, Harry, has died, she and the family attend the funeral. Charlie ends up hitting on Harry's newly single widow, Jake is excited to see a "dead guy" and Alan is happy to pay his respects.

"I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey"

When Charlie and Alan get into a fight, Rose tries to step in and mediate.

"A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise"

After Charlie takes Alan to the eye doctor, they end up at the coffee shop where they run into Charlie's ex, Sherri (Jeri Ryan). Alan ends up asking out Sherri, but can't get over her prior relationship with Charlie.

"It Was Mame, Mom"

Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive, Eric (David Starzyk), so Charlie brings Alan to pretend to be his life partner until he meets Eric's beautiful ex-wife.

"Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!"

After Charlie has back pain, Alan takes him to the hospital. Charlie ends up hitting on the doctor, who he's already dated. Berta is fed up with Jake's continuous mess in the bathroom.

"Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?"

When Judith decides to take a vacation, Alan has to take care of Jake during the week and finds out it's more work than he thought. When his IRS audit forces Charlie to take care of Jake, he doesn't do much better.

"Smell the Umbrella Stand"

Alan starts to worry too much about a medical procedure he's about to get, so Charlie tries to distract him by going to Vegas.

"Those Big Pink Things with Coconut"

Charlie and Alan throw out Evelyn when she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When their mom ends up the hospital, they're not sure if it's real or a ploy to get back their affection.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Jake: Can I go back to mom's tomorrow?
Alan: Why?
Jake: I want to hang out with my friends.
Alan: What, all of a sudden your father's not good enough for you?
Jake: It's not "all of a sudden."

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket